my two issues

As I was sending a friend a lengthy e-mail tonight, the Lord gave me an epiphany of sorts.  He said, "Justin: you have two major issues.  Self-doubt and pride."

I would have never considered those as two of my major issues, but I do believe it was the voice of the Lord speaking to my heart.  Not only are those my two major issues, but they are very closely related.

I struggle, as I suspect most men do, with self-doubt.  I see the accomplishments of others, and, the more I think about it, the more I believe that I will never accomplish such things in my life.  How could I?  And yet, perhaps as an internal protective measure against my self-doubt, I then struggle with pride.  Why can't I?  If he can do it, so can I.  Not only that, but I'll do it even bigger and better!

For example, even as I write these words, I think that someday someone may read them and believe that I was such a deep-thinker.  Why do I have these thoughts?  Why can't I just sit and write out my feelings and emotions without constantly wanting to convey myself as intellectual or something.  Self-doubt and pride, I think, both play a major role in that.

I often have a desire to quantify everything.  Why?  Who am I measuring myself to?  Myself?  Am I only in a race against myself?  I measure how long I have been pastoring my church in a list against others.  I measure how well-behaved my kids are against others.  I measure my physique against others.  I measure my intellect against others.  I measure my career against others?  Why?  Why must I do this?  What is it in me (self-doubt and pride, of course) that cause me to do this?  I want to quantify how many people I have lead to Jesus.  For what?  For myself?  For others to be impressed with me?  I don't think so; I think it is much more for me than anyone else.  But, why?  I hate this about myself.  I loathe this behavior and yet I embody it.

Ah!  Another thing to give to Jesus.  Take me, Lord, and all my sinfulness and transform me, please.  I hate what I am, and I want you to change me.  Make me, content, please.  You know it is my greatest struggle.  Take me and rid me of myself.  I love you.